Tuesday, June 16, 2009

For One of my best Friends TIFFY!!

So my friend tiff has been on me to bog more and now that i am not living in salt lake i think it would be wise to start this thing up. So i know that tiff will prolly be the only one reading this i don't care because i love to write and it would be nice to write about my experience in the STG. Thus far in STG i really don't know why i moved here but i know that i am here for a purpose. it's weird i know but i felt as though i was missing out on family time when i was in SLC. As though my mom and sister were fading away. The reason being that all of us girls are single and just about to start a new chapter of our lives and times with family should NEVER be missed because the next thing you know is you 40 and you have 3 kids and you are planning 6 months ahead just to have lunch alone with your mom and sister, and i don't want to feel like I've missed out on time with them. there is also the fact that I'm going to be 21 and i don't even have a degree in anything except being hot:)  
  The first week i was here i wanted to move right back up. I had no job hardly any money and i had friends but  i felt as though everything had shifted either they'd grown up or i had, or am still trying to figure out where i fit in this world. But i didn't move partly because I'd already unpacked and partly because of this analogy i heard about year ago: there is always a high risk and a low risk road everyone can take but no matter what road is taken you will always end up right where you should be, for along time i thought that the high risk road was SLC and the low risk road was STG but in the weeks that i have been here i have found that it is quite the opposite. In SLC it was really easy for me to make money and have awesome life long friends i was just Jenna no one knew my family except for my life long friends (the Pikulas) and no one had any expectations of me they just loved me for me. In STG i know everyone in a sense just because i grew up here and I'm bombarded with constant judgement and that gross stupid word SHOULD, (STG is a town of SHOULDERS, you SHOULD be married by a certain time, you SHOULD own a house,you SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD!) being here is a test like most things in life and i need to ace it i know it's the high risk road and I'm happy to except a challenge, but i WILL be out of here when my two year degree is done so it's nice to have an ending date. BUT THIS is the only the beginning of my blog even if it is just Tiff reading it i hope others will want to know about me haha i know thats dumb to say isn't that what blogging is about? so until tomorrow. 
-Love me

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Just a year later.

so i'm very happy so say that i am much better then i was in my last post. I'm living in SLC and i LOVE it i live with Tori and Mele Pikula and let me tell you i couldn't ask for better friends slash roommates. They make me happy! and i work at pizza factory and you know what i don't hate it! but what else oh ya this post is going to be short cause i have to go get my clothes from the laundry and go work out because mele and i have a bet.....don't worry i'll tell you all about it later it's so awesome i'm totally going to win! WOOT WOOT talk to you later!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Letting Things Build Up.

This passed month i have missed my dad more then anything. The other day my sister and i were driving and a Paul simon song came on and it was the one he wrote for that show the wild thornberries, you know? but anyways the was a line in it and it went 'i love to see my duaghter grow.' and i began to cry, and no one could make me feel better, i still feel hollow and lonely.
I have alway been deprived of that male energy, and it's the only thing a crave, and i am so afraid of it at the sametime. I just want a man to come and take me away and not make me feel like i am not good enough or pretty enough, he just loves me for me and will help me not to worry anymore and most of all fill this whole in my heart that has been there for so long, if there is even a way for him to fill it. sometimes i feel as though i am going to walk this earth alone cuase i am not good enough for any guy, and i know it's not true but i can't help but believe it. the only guy that i even loved unconditionally didn't love me back, i was just a friend to him. He always make me feel like i would never be at his level becuase i wasn't skinny enough, and whats sad is, it is true he really did feel like that.
I really don't know why i am writting this, but in away it is helping. even though probably no one will read this i feel better writting it down.
Latly i have been feeling that i am disappearing slowly, it like i have friends and i have a great family but they don't understand how i feel and they never had i am either dimissed like i am a 5 year old or they talk to me and don't listen cause they think they know more. and there freaking anwser to everything is 'go work-out jenna'.
last night i had a total melt down. it was a combination of me missing my dad, not having anyone to love and them treating me like a kid, like i have never done anything for this family. Ever since last night i have been on the verge of tears and yelling. I am just so lonely all the time even when i am not alone i am alone. it's stupid that i am complianing about this, there are many other people out there that feel the exact same way and worse, but i just wanted to get this out of my head. i really wish someone understood, i really wish my dad could just hold me and he was well, i really wish i could just fade away. then i think alot of thing would be solved. I have never felt this lonely.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Now my heart is hollow.

Now my heart is hollow
he lay there motionless
my heart drenched in all the sharrow
he was now fearless

i escape in my mind
losing all my feeling
meaning of words i cannot find
staring up at the ceiling

He is now discovering distant lands
My legs become weak
laying my head in my hands
i begin to shriek

Trying to remember he is in a better place
i still wish was was holding me
cradling his hand in mine kissing his face
never again would i sit on his knee

I smell his scent one last time.
he squeezed my hand one last time.
he said he loved me one last time.
as he fell asleep one last time.